FUQ – We answer your Frequently Un-asked Questions

With Noisily looming and British Summertime just one month away, we’ve been looking through all your enquiries for information and there are some common themes cropping up. So to save you the time of emailing in, our scullery maid come stylist Rowley has put together a collection of detailed responses to your inquisitions. We hope these shed light on the ins and outs of the protocol in Coney Woods…

Guest Writer – Nathan Rowley

Do I ever have to leave the Noisily campsite?

No you don’t. You can choose to cast convention aside, violently shun the ‘real world’, and live in a burrow in Coney Woods surviving solely on the good vibes from last year’s festival which still linger in the dewy vegetation. There is one slight catch: you need formal written permission from the benevolent rave troll, Gunther, who lives beneath the Noisily stage dance floor. If you can find him. He’s a grumpy, misanthrope.

Where did I leave my tent?

You clearly cannot be trusted wandering outside unsupervised. Please report to the nearest Designated Rave Ringleader and ask them to allocate you a kind Party Supervisor. Designated Rave Ringleaders can be recognized by their beaming smiles, top hats and techno-wizard LED staffs. Party Supervisors usually resemble a psychedelic Mary Poppins in form and temperament.

I lost my car keys at Noisily. What should I do?

You have two options. 1) Give up on life having accepted that you are dangerously inept. 2) Call the AA or RAC who will be able to assist you, swiftly ensuring this becomes a humorous smile-inducing anecdote for your next dinner party.

Are animals allowed at Noisily?

We are all really just wild animals. So yes you can bring animals…but with a few critical caveats. This is serious psychedelic festival. You absolutely cannot bring dull, drab, dreary beasts of any description to Noisily. Only a small collection psychedelic animals are allowed into the festival grounds; these include hippies, ravers, giants, dragons, zebra and platypus, but absolutely under no circumstances the duck billed variety! Don’t turn up with anything not on the list. You’ll be refused entry. At this point we must firmly state that regular domestic animals such as dogs and cats are not permitted at the festival.

Will Noisily change my life?

Yes. Upon your return you will notice you have become the living embodiment of Saturn, the god of raving. Don’t give it too much thought. You will eventually return to normal. Perhaps.

Can I return the Noisily cup I forgot to hand back last year and get my deposit back?

Yes. Why waste a perfectly good cup. The more pertinent question is what have you been doing with it in the intervening time? Have you been sleeping in the tent in your garden, sipping lager from your Noisily cup, dancing to Techno whilst pretending that you were at the festival? Because if you have, can we join forces and do it together. It’s really quite depressing sleeping in my garden alone. Help…

I’m indecisive, what snacks should I bring?  

Whatever tickles your pickle. But we can recommend gluten free oatcakes lathered in Prince’s Salmon Paste and Gentleman’s Relish, the combination of protein, omega and grain is quite the dance floor fuel!

Do fairies exist?

Of course. There is a flounce of fairies living in Coney Woods, you might be able to spot them if you stare really hard into the knot on the bough of the Ash tree on the hill leading to the Treehouse stage.

Is the earth flat?

You believe the Earth exists? We think it is all an illusion.

Can I bring explosives with me to Noisily?

No. Don’t be ridiculous. The only loud bangs we like are banging techno.

Where can I find more information about the festival?

You could either like our Facebook page for regularly updates, or alternatively, approach one of the our organizers at a Techno party in London when they are three-sheets to the wind (they can be easily identified as that are always wearing Noisily branded clothing) and bombard them with questions.

What should I bring?

A tent, sleeping bag, money, sense of humour, dancing shoes, marbles you don’t mind losing, dignity you also don’t mind losing, and some friends, and some strangers, and some stranger friends.

What is the weather going to be like?

I just stuck my nose outside and I can safely say that the weather at the 2018 Noisily festival will be semi-arctic tropical, the humidity will bounce between 110% and zero, and you should most probably pack skis and a panama hat.

What is the state of the toilets?

You could eat off them. In fact, we have.  

My friends are arriving separately, how will I find them at Noisily?

You should GPS tag them before you leave. You should be able to swipe a GPS tag from duck’s leg at your local park. If you don’t have access to a duck, then you could resort to screaming their names at the top of your lungs. But please, don’t ruin the drop!